Expectations in Friendships: Free Yourself

“I’m not in this world to live up to your expectations and you’re not in this world to live up to mine.” - Bruce Lee

We all have ideas about how our lives should look and that includes developing expectations in relationships. There are certain basic expectations a large number of us abide by; don’t kill anyone, don’t assault anyone, don’t cheat on your partner, and apologize when you hurt someone else.

The more I commit to living life day by day for myself, allowing what I know to be true for myself to thrive, and choosing what’s best for me, I’ve reflected on the harmful expectations often held in friendships

Person to person, the definition of friendship will be described differently because we are uniquely human carrying past experiences, ideas, and some form of trauma used to propel us forward or stifle us in our tracks.

Expectations in friendships prevent us from accepting change, space to grow personally, and can result in relationship breakdown.

You Left Me on Read

Since we live in a digitally attached world, there is an expectation that text messages, emails and DM’s are answered immediately. During the height of COVID-19 there was a loss of in person social interaction and an increased reliance on connecting virtually.

As a self-proclaimed bad texter who doesn’t respond consistently or reads messages in the middle of a task with the intent to respond later, it was stressful trying to craft responses. Millennials created the don’t call me text me mantra but I find it easier to call or FaceTime with friends to catch up or talk about our day.

As someone who despises small talk it’s more meaningful to have verbal conversations if in person connection is not an option. But it didn’t stop certain friends from getting upset or offended about not responding right away because there is an expectation that when we interrupt someone’s time they should stop what they are doing to cater to us.

I challenge a mindset shift to realizing your friends have full lives filled with anxiety, uncertainty, work, and responsibilities so internalizing their lack of quick responses is an unhealthy expectation, especially when you do not know what is impacting them at any given time.

In a pandemic world, it’s challenging for a lot of people to engage as they did before social distancing, isolation, work exhaustion, and feelings of languishing. Implementing empathy for how your friends are feeling and personal struggles you may not know they are struggling with will release you from unnecessary disappointment. If we were all thriving right now, communication would be easier but as we process the impact of 2020 most of us are just trying to get through the day and are not in the mood to respond.

It’s Not All About the Party

A lot of friendships involve celebrations from birthdays to weddings so naturally we want our closest friends to be part of our experiences. While these events are important, especially to the people they are for, there is an expectation to consistently show up for people, even when they do not show up for you. I experienced this with the majority of my friendships where I was expected to pour into the cups of others but they didn’t know how to pour into mine.

As a Black woman who had a lot of white friends I realized I could show up for baby showers, weddings, and parties but those same people couldn’t support me during the 2020 civil rights protests and killing of George Floyd. I received generic texts from people offering support but what I really needed was for those same people to stop putting the burden on my shoulders to educate about racism when the real work was admitting their internalized racism and doing something about it.

When I didn’t attend a friend’s baby shower it was shocking to that person I didn’t feel they were someone I could rely on during this time or saw as an ally. But I was tired of showing up for other people when I was struggling to feel safe. It became clear I spent years being afraid of being my truest self in friendships, particularly with white folks who didn’t understand that while we were friends I had completely different experiences and an existence than them.

Being the only Black woman or person in friend circles became exhausting and frustrating because of their color blindness; I am educated, have a career, I’m ambitious, and have certain privileges but I’ve also encountered racism, microaggressions, anti-Blackness throughout my entire life and most of it has been from white friends or social interactions. I experience gendered anti-Blackness because I’m a darker skinned woman, workplace discrimination, and tokenization but because I’m often the only one and the realities of my day to day oppression are minimized.

I stopped holding myself to the expectation of showing up for anyone who doesn’t acknowledge, honor, and respect my existence as a Black woman or treats racism as an external problem and not an internal one they need to heal through. I made a commitment to myself to set boundaries with people who don’t dismantle their own internalized white supremacy because it endangers my existence.

While life milestones are important to celebrate, you can’t expect people to show up for you when you do not take the time to invest in their well-being or treat them like a supporting character or in my case, a token.

Next Stop: Guilt Trip

Nothing sends red flags to full mast than having a friend who makes you feel indebted to them. Relationships are an investment but often we do not allow space for our friends to evolve and repeatedly change. In fact, we tend to treat their personal growth as an insult or an offense but really it shines a spotlight on our insecurities.

In 2016, I intentionally set out on a growth journey because I was not living authentically and longed for something more meaningful besides bar hopping and rootless interactions. At my core I am sensitive, creative, a loner who enjoys ‘me time’, and passionate about social justice. But these parts of myself were drowned out by filling my schedule with social commitments or pushing myself to go out when I really wanted to stay home to rest.

As I went through multiple transformations, there were certain behaviors I couldn’t tolerate anymore. Admittedly, I had to learn how to communicate my boundaries or express my feelings in a non-combative way but noticed when I did speak up I was met with contempt and the response was for the other person to state how much they had done for me. Telling a friend how their behaviors make you feel or setting a boundary should help your relationship, not send you into defense spewing all the ways you’ve been a good friend. While it’s difficult to set our egos to the side, being a good friend is also listening and accepting feedback.

The expectation that because you’ve done things for a friend you are somehow above growing sets you up for potentially losing a friendship. Further, being a supportive and caring friend is not something you can cash in on at a later date with interest. If you do things for your friends only to receive recognition or a pass for harmful behavior then you will likely struggle to keep authentic friendships.

My strongest friendships are with people who accept me as I am respecting that evolving is part of our human experience. We should be excited for our friends when they are at their best doing their best and support them during the lows.

The Only Constant is Change

Experiencing the loss of a friendship can be devastating, especially if you are the one who is left wondering what happened. Like all relationships, people change and so do their needs. It’s immature to think the people we hold close will stay the same especially after life transitions. During COVID, there was a fundamental shift in how most of us viewed society and ourselves within it. I became more involved in the Black community, social advocacy, and felt a deep sense of cultural identity.

Watching front line and essential workers plead for resources, global Black Lives Matter protests against police violence, and seeing institutional oppression tear communities into shreds from healthcare to food security, I didn’t have energy to care about people’s day to day lives because I was focused on my mental health.

The values I developed didn’t match with the friends I was keeping because most of them were not impacted in the same way. When I brought up how a current event made me feel I received responses like “oh yeah, I’m sorry - I’m here for you if you need,” as the conversation quickly shifted to something else. I had to let go of the expectation that the white friends I had would provide a safe space to open up or would connect the dots on their own. By doing this, I allowed myself to disconnect from people who were performative or disinterested in my experiences or couldn’t relate anymore.

My friendships with Black women strengthened as we supported each other through months of uncertainty. I stopped expecting to receive care and reinforcement from people who didn’t look like me and nurtured relationships with women who reflected my existence. Instead of feeling unseen, I felt validated, encouraged, and cherished. Whether we were laughing to keep from crying or expressing anger, all of me was embraced without hesitation or discomfort.

When our friends change it’s not about us but about their needs, desires, and wants. Accepting their changes through allowing your friendship to evolve creates trust and understanding when you experience change but expecting previous versions of who they were can drive them away.

The Friendship Recipe

We have enough pressure, stress, and expectations bombarding us at any given time. My idea of friendship is freedom; free to be who we need to be on any given day. As much as we value consistency in our lives, humans are anything but consistent which is the beauty about life. It takes a great deal of intention to release ourselves from expectations in friendship but the reward is building close knit relationships where being yourselves is at the center.

How are you freeing yourself from the expectations in friendships?