Some Space to Heal

Since moving to New York from Idaho, I’ve been intentional in allowing myself to exist without the pressure of exploring every weekend. At times, I felt guilty for choosing to rest because we live in a culture that profits from our physical, mental, and emotional stress. But I was able to create a space to process some of the realizations from the past two years.

I was talking to my mom about how free and light I feel since moving. I remember the feelings of discomfort living in Boise that grew increasingly more intense since 2016. I was usually the only Black woman or person of color everywhere I went. I experienced the ranges of overt racism to daily microaggressions throughout the fourteen years I lived there. 

People see an educated Black woman, working alongside them, living a similar life and think she’s one of the ‘good ones’. She’s not like those other Blacks seen in the media, news, or entertainment. They compliment you on how well you speak and are surprised you’re a human with a fully lived experience. They want access to you but don’t care to understand you.

I learned to not act too ghetto and code-switched flawlessly. I wanted to be accepted so I allowed people to say racist comments and jokes in my presence while tempering my reaction for their discomfort. I stayed in friendships with people who didn’t defend me or said I overreacted to racism. I allowed people to talk over me like they knew more about the Black experience. I was flattered by interest from men who festishized me but who would never take a Black woman seriously. I went to people’s houses knowing their parents were racist but liked me.

When 2020 sent me into quarantine, I questioned everything including how my presence was viewed in most of my relationships. Watching how people responded to the civil rights protests revealed that being liked does not change beliefs, thoughts, and ideas about the collective Black community. In those moments, I remember thinking the people I was closest to felt like strangers and they didn’t know me.

I stopped wanting other people to embrace my growth and evolution. I stopped wishing they would untie me from who they were comfortable with me being. I disconnected from people because I knew I could not stay in my relationships majority of my non-Black friends because it impacted my self-worth. And I didn’t want to admit I bought into being likable at the cost of devaluing myself. 

But when I did, my life changed to align to who I am now. Your roots can’t thrive in a pot that’s too small, they need space to spread out and access nutrients. I no longer wanted to spend my time with people committed to staying the same. I deserve love that uplifts and nourishes, free from pleading with people to evolve. Once you know what serves you and what’s harmful it’s almost impossible to go backwards.

It can be lonely choosing yourself in the beginning. There may be feelings of guilt but experiencing freedom to be exactly who you are is life changing. After spending years uncomfortable in my own skin, I choose myself everyday and trust I have the best people in my life.

Now, I can work on forgiving myself and forgiving people who couldn’t love me the way I needed to be loved.