Are We Just Existing?

I’m at this place where I don’t know what to do with myself. I wake up during the weekdays, login into my work computer, and exert all of my energy to my job. I find some time to sleep and eat and repeat this day-to-day, week by week. I also happen to enjoy my job  - but it’s not lost on me we have to work to live and I like my creature comforts.

The moments spent with people I love are enjoyable, vacations are memorable, and new experiences are fun but overall I’m not genuinely enjoying life. I don’t feel like I’m living but existing while I wait for something to happen.

A small part of me envies those who still buy into this system of beliefs, ideas, and behaviors. The side hustlers, the wanna-be millionaires and billionaires, the aspiring celebrities, the social media perfectly curated content creators, the parenthood and spouse title seekers, and those with a dream. 

I used to have dreams and goals and aspirations but I can’t imagine myself in ten years or growing old. The clear visions I used to see for myself of achieving and accomplishing are now blurs and smudges, because all my energy is used for what’s in front of me today.

Don’t get me wrong, I am grateful for things like the personal growth I’ve had moving away from the fragile, insecure, and high anxiety person I used to be. I live in a city where I feel like my truest self, surrounded by culture and people who look like me and endless experiences. But this feeling of existing in slow motion and in warp speed at the same time is strange and I can’t help but think, what is my purpose?

Some may reply that there isn’t a point or a purpose, just enjoy it for what it is. Or my personal favorite: stay positive. But those are generic responses we offer when we don’t know what to say or don’t care, in the same way we ask people how they’re doing; we don’t authentically mean it. So I stopped discussing these thoughts with most because I don’t want to ruin anyone else’s bliss of ignorance or coping tools.

Instead, I try to mentally block out the suffering of others, suppress the fear of the unknown, and numb myself emotionally. It works for a short period of time until the next unsettling or tragic event occurs, blowing away the wall of protection from the outside world. And when those emotions do flood in, I don’t allow myself to become consumed like I did in 2020 and suffer through harsh stretches of depression - I have a limit to how deep I’ll let an emotion settle within. 

Maybe that’s a trauma response to the past three years but I can’t unsee what I’ve seen and experienced, so when I think about the future it’s difficult to feel excited. Life used to be this thing I wanted to try at and give great effort to - with cute decorated vision boards and daydreams about falling in love and possibly getting married, climbing in my career, or becoming a published author. 

But I don’t know if I wanted those things because that’s what we were taught to want, to accomplish over and over. To be better than everyone else and accumulate the house, the car, the bag, and the person. Did I want these things for what they meant to me or other people? Was it for status or acceptance or validation? 

I’ve become somewhat apathetic towards social justice, something I cared for intensely. I feel checked out and unphased, questioning whether the energy needed to pour into it is worth the output and trauma. I used to think it’s for someone in the future, long after I’m gone, to live a better existence but question if people will exist on earth. With the most recent news of Roe v. Wade, I find it hard to participate in the movements, strikes, and protests organized by people who were mostly silent about the oppression of others but are calling on Black women for our support.

So where do I go from here? How do I pull myself out of this and if I do, will I have a change of heart?

I don’t have any answers or solutions and neither does anyone else. We’re all smiling through the unknown, finding ways to deal with our own realities.

I do know it wasn’t supposed to be like this but being alive sometimes requires repeating the motions until we find something that inspires us. And if I have any hope, it’s to find that tiny spark again and nurture it into a raging flame.