The Emotional Journey of Relocating
It’s been one year since I relocated to New York.
In the span of 48 hours I cleared out my old apartment, sold my car, and landed at the airport with three suitcases and a backpack. When I arrived at my new co-living apartment, sight unseen, uneasiness emerged through exhaustion and stress spent anticipating the moment. Did I make a huge mistake?
Throughout the first two weeks of living here I muffled sobs face down in my pillow, questioning myself, questioning if I was strong enough to start a new life. Relocating and starting over is not a new experience for me. I left home at 18 for a weekend trip and unexpectedly enrolled for college in Idaho. I planned to stay for four years but it turned into fourteen. While I was able to create a life there I also struggled to feel empowered in my identity as one of few Black women in a conservative and homogenous state.
Forming friendships, developing my career, and being involved in the community came with constantly being reminded I was different and suppressing my identity to make everyone else feel comfortable. The desire to leave was more than the want for a change of scenery. My survival and health depended on living around more people who look like me and share a complex understanding of life outside of what’s considered the default.
Despite the significant reasons for relocating, the list of pros I outlined for uprooting my life didn’t bring the immediate comfort I wanted. Apprehension replaced excitement about my ability to make New York home. It was easy to fear spiral and compare myself to other women who had a cozy 2,500 square feet, a four person family, and cookie cutter lives while I chose to have four roommates with 8 million neighbors.
“Discomfort is inevitable with change but the beauty, experience, and rewards you gain are worth it.”
Nothing truly prepares you for the dissolving of predictability when relocating, even when you actively seek it. There is a process of grieving your old life that comes in unpredictable waves. The memory of previous ties or familiar routines can feel like a warm blanket when everything you are currently experiencing is unfamiliar.
I had no desire to go back to Idaho but it was challenging to feel settled. But that was the issue, I wanted to fast forward through layered emotions instead of allowing myself to sit with them. This was also in parallel to unprocessed collective trauma of the pandemic, the end of decade long friendships, and career re-direction.
It took time to realize I hadn’t been present in body for months and minimized significant transitions. But revisiting old journals and notes were reminders that the desire to break free from an unfulfilling life was now reality. It was a reminder I existed in a community where I was reflected. It was a reminder to give myself space to heal and rest. It was a reminder that doubt is natural and normal because change is uncomfortable.
Leaving Idaho seemed impossible for years because since 18 I’ve had to survive on my own. And when you come from a poor background, no one is coming to save you so risks are threatening and dreams are easily swept away by fear. But I am proud of myself for taking this risk and use it as encouragement to continue being brave while trusting I’ll take care of me.
I relocated to New York for healing that could only come with significant change. I came to re-define who I am outside of conforming to conservative culture, expectations, and constraint. I came to deepen existing relationships and develop new genuine friendships. I came for exposure to culture and experiences I could never have anywhere else. Discomfort is inevitable with change but the beauty and growth gained is worth it.
Accepting the flow of change enables me to live in the present and not stress about measuring up to a timeline dictacting where I should be in life. I’m convinced various human insecurities form when you compare yourself to milestones set by other people. But I feel free to exist in the moment creating space for my life to unfold naturally.
Reflecting on my first year here, I had the opportunity to travel to two different countries. I’ve indulged in delicious food and lived with people from all over the world. I’ve created forever memories with existing friendships and new connections. I’ve unveiled realizations and epiphanies about who I am and who I want in my life. I received some healing from living in a place where I was devalued and my need to be seen was made to feel lavish or excessive.
New York is far from perfect but it never claimed to be and I’ve seen the underbelly of what a perfect place claims to offer people like me. I would choose the chaos and unpredictability everyday over being one of few. Change is always going to come with fear, it’s ancient human nature designed to keep us safe. But fear also keeps us small and confined and in my experiences cramped.
As I go into this next year, I embrace the challenges, the celebrations, and the lessons. Our individual lives are truly fleeting and choosing to take a risk for a more fulfilling one is worth it.