How Centering Men Compromises Our Well-Being
Over the past year, more women have openly shared their experiences and thoughts about the realities of dating and being in relationships with cis-men on social media. It’s like the curtain has been pulled back exposing what women accept and tolerate in relationships, sparking more conversations about how centering men in our lives impacts our well-being. I applaud these women for being truthful about what really goes on in relationships and marriages our culture places on the highest pedestal and how they have prioritized their happiness.
As someone who likes to dig beneath the surface I wanted to understand why as women do we view relationships with men as our most valuable accomplishment. The short answer? We’ve been generationally socialized too.
How women are socialized to center men
It starts when we’re young girls. Influences like Disney princesses teach us that at any moment an attractive prince is supposed to pick us, choose us, and pluck us from the dreaded single place to give our life purpose. In our teen years we are fed archetypes of what makes women attractive in order to gain male attention; the outspoken, smart girl vs the hot popular girl next door.
“And the fight for women’s rights and equality has not and will not erase centuries of social conditioning to be chosen because there is still a social capital that comes with having a male partner.”
When we reach our twenties, we’re told if we’re not married by thirty we should be ashamed while learning women are the most universally celebrated when they are getting married or having children. And all of these messages are hammered in from family pressure to produce grandchildren and abide by societal norms. Or from our friends who seem to get engaged in batches. So what do you think happens when women have been spoon fed these ideas over and over? It plants the seeds to be constantly looking for the opportunity to meet a man.
Before women had more financial freedom and legal protections, many had to rely on men for literal survival because they held all the power in society. Our grandmothers and their mothers had little to no choice in living a life without centering men. And while some of us have gained more financial advantages and legal protections that support our independence in the last few decades (there are complex layers of race and class that impact the experiences of women differently), that socialization of being chosen by men is deeply embedded across most cultures and societies. And the fight for women’s rights and equality has not and will not erase centuries of social conditioning to be chosen because there is still a social capital that comes with having a male partner.
Regardless of the ‘girl power’ applause given to women for being single and independent as they get older, a lot of people view single women with a sense of pity but won’t admit it. It can be heard in their voice when they ask if you’re dating or in a relationship or when you’re going to have children. They wonder what is wrong with you that you couldn’t lock down a man. Or they have a level of distrust as to the reasons why you are single. And this impacts women on so many levels from the workplace to financial mobility to the social circles they are accepted into.
I’ve experienced this mostly from other married or partnered women who were loud in their dislike for men but would go home to one. Even worse, they usually had terrible partners who don’t see them as human but as a mother or caregiver for their emotional, mental, and physical labor.
I realize this is the result of conditioning but in present day the pursuit of keeping a man still includes an imbalance of household chores and responsibilities or women receiving little to no help raising the children while simultaneously posting perfectly curated photos on social media. It includes complaints about having to ask for help or constantly remind their boyfriends or husbands about everything then applaud them for doing the bare minimum.
It seems for some women, staying in a relationship where they give disproportionately more than they receive is acceptable because it’s better than being single - so they work overtime to ensure their relationship is perfect to outsiders.
How centering men bends our boundaries
In my twenties, dating and relationships were a big part of my life. I went on dates trying to find a connection and found myself playing mental gymnastics to continue even when I dreaded it. But the majority of those dating experiences and relationships were approached with a need to prove my worth, to prove I was good enough to be picked.
For me, this was magnified living in a predominantly white community as a darker skinned Black woman and impacted how I forever view cis-hetereo relationships. The need for validation made it easy to ignore red flags, accept the bare minimum, and overlook mis-alignment in intentions which later caused disappointment or heartbreak. Wanting to be picked by men usually requires women to bend their boundaries and exist from a place of wanting to be liked and loved by men who don’t value them as humans.
Women are also told there are not many ‘good men’ available while men receive a different message; there are plenty of women. The threat of scarcity creates an assumption that when women meet men they should default to trying to form a relationship. We are encouraged to ‘give them a chance’ or ‘see where it goes’ which may require overlooking questionable behaviors or ignoring our instincts along the way. And because he’s good enough or meets the bare minimum standards set for men, women invest emotions and energy making it harder to walk away later. The idea that decent men are scarce invokes fear we may not meet someone better suited for us.
I’ve come to view being chosen as a scare tactic to make women feel like we don’t deserve better or we should compromise our wants and needs for men. While I believe that healthy relationships where both people are supported, understood, and respected exist and make us better humans, I’ve had to consciously consider if I’m happy with this person and honoring what’s best for me. Is this man adding positively to my life? Does he see me as an actual human or does he view me as an attractive accessory? Is he taking responsibility for his own healing, growth, and introspection?
It’s important for women to define what we require in our dating experiences and relationships by centering our overall wellbeing. Otherwise, it’s too easy to allow what we’ve been taught or other people’s ideas determine what our relationships should feel like, usually through shame or pressure or this belief that ‘I may not find anyone else.’ Since becoming aware of how I’ve been socialized to center men and be hyper aware of their proximity in my daily life, I intentionally have to work against that conditioning. I am grateful for the women who have opened my eyes to understanding healthy, male partners exist and our lives as women don’t require lifelong sacrifice.